Written July 2020; Edited by Brie Cooley
God has done a grand unraveling for me in the past several years. It has been a scary and alarming process for me, but God has been so good to me and has brought me so much happiness and freedom in the journey. Part of the process was unraveling myself from myself and from other people, and then learning to actually worship and follow God instead. Rather than just continuing to celebrate my favorite Bible verses and inspirational quotes about faith, He has been walking me through getting to know Him personally.
I believe that God is asking other people to let Him unravel their lives in the same way and that is why I am sharing part of my journey.
I can begin by saying that since I have gotten to know God on a more personal level, He has brought more peace and relief to me than I thought I could experience. For a long time, I didn’t know that I wasn’t at peace on the inside. While I knew that Jesus died on the cross to save my soul from hell, and I tried really hard to be “good”, there was still a gap in understanding how His love for me could affect me on a day to day basis, and not only for the eternal benefits that He provides.
It is no secret that in our culture people love themselves too much. It’s obvious to see that people will knock others down to climb up the ladder of success, that we take too many “selfies” and that we brag on ourselves all the time to make sure that other people know that we are up to par or better than they are. I thought I could see all of that, and I tried to be humble, finding ways to serve others and give encouraging words. The part that I didn’t see for so long was how I had been blind to my own needs and ultimately adapted the same mantra that culture has for success in a more quiet way- a seemingly “good” way because I had attached God’s name to it.
I had not considered myself to be selfish. If anything, I thought I dodged pride and self-absorption by putting other peoples’ needs before my own and doing what everyone else wanted of me. While some are flashy about trying to be awesome and gain recognition, I usually found myself doing things more covertly. What snuck up on me was a quiet yet growing desire to be noticed and memorable, not necessarily by the general population, but by my family. I began to notice that some days I would be hanging by a thread mentally, continually striving to be a mother or wife worthy of being remembered in a positive light; I would imagine how my kids would remember me smiling at them, telling them Bible stories, or just being a good example to them. If I disappointed my kids or my husband in some way, I would feel devastated. The pressure to be my idea of perfect was so heavy. When nobody noticed my “sacrifices” for them or my effort that I put in to doing ordinary everyday tasks, I felt worthless and unimportant. I would people please my way through marriage and parenting, attempting display of all the ways I was special in a seemingly humble fashion. My desire for my family to know and serve Jesus was genuine, but somewhere along the way, my desire for me to be their main source of influence became more powerful.
As silly as this may sound, I actually thought I was living out God’s will for my life because on the outside, I was striving so hard to be a good reflection of Jesus. I thought that was the goal of being a Christian. I had this idea that constantly feeling guilty and striving to be more awesome, so people would want to come to God was what God wanted from me.
After some time, I noticed that there must a problem! I was miserable, weighed down over all the standards I didn’t meet–not just my standards. I was a slave to what I thought everyone else wanted or needed me to be. God forbid that someone didn’t approve of how I do things! I let other peoples’ desires for me guide my life so much that if I did go against what someone else wanted from me, guilt would take over me. I thought I was selfish if I wasn’t operating obediently to someone else’s wishes and demands- even my childrens’. In my eyes I was a failure. I kept finding that there was no way that I could be everyone’s peace, safe place, or savior 24/7. I was so sad that I couldn’t maintain a good, memorable image. Frustration grew in me. My desire never got satisfied no matter how “good” I was at anything. The more I tried to be this ideal woman of praise I had in my mind, the more I was getting convinced that I wasn’t her.
I had taken the bait and believed the lie that I was supposed to be putting on an attractive show for the people around me thinking that God would be glorified. Culture’s “HOW TO BE AWESOME 101” had begun to manifest in my life, and it was so sneaky I didn’t realize it was there. And why did this happen? I had a need for love and recognition that I wasn’t conscious of. I had only been focused on other people… not realizing that I was doing what appeared good from a standpoint of trying to prevent guilt or feeling unlovable.
If this resonates with you, take heart. You are not alone. I believe that in this time God is allowing some of us to realize that we have needs that we aren’t equipped to fix. Some of us have been so busy serving everyone else that we have ignored ourselves, not realizing that as we do that, we are still trying to get our needs met even through our sacrificial actions for other people. But God is ready to meet us where we are, grow our faith, and shift our focus off of trying to prevent a guilty conscience and onto Him. This did not happen overnight for me, but the more I spent time with God and allowed Him into my deepest thoughts and feelings, the more restoration I experienced.
This is powerful! You have expressed so simply some of the deepest feelings many women have.
I understand this post all too well, I’m afraid. I’ve tried so often to come to terms with various issues in my life by convincing myself that I didn’t get to have any of the “desires of my heart” because I didn’t deserve them. The truth is, none of us are worthy of any of the blessings that God sends our way. I’ve tried so hard to “be good and do good,” always putting others first because that is the right thing to do. It’s what Jesus would do. Like Martha of Bethany,, I’m never quite comfortable asking someone else to do what I should be doing myself. Having no time for myself has evolved into less time focusing on listening for God to direct my path. That is never a good place to be! Thankfully, there is Christian radio to help me worship, pray, and reflect during my commute to work and back each day. I also have a neighbor who is a strong woman of faith. She texts me scriptures every day and is a constant prayer warrior. I know that God sent her “for such a time as this,” and I praise Him for that!