TP & Me

It was the perfect outfit. Normally, I wore something totally unflattering like a tshirt and jeans pulled up to my belly button (think Steve Urkel). I didn’t picture myself as a pretty girl, deserving of attractive clothing that would draw attention. But on this day, I stood in front of the mirror, admiring my brand new matching blouse and flowy, above the knee skirt. 

My mom had outdone herself when she picked up this outfit for me! It was black and white striped, showed just a hint of my belly when I raised my arms high enough, and the skirt’s elastic band was just loose enough that it smoothly concealed my little summer elementary girl belly pooch (what I thought was a belly pooch).

This is a close depiction of the skirt I had:

In my 10 year old mind, I was equivalent to Shania wearing her iconic leopard print outfit in the music video “That Don’t Impress Me Much”.
Feeling unusually confident in my looks that day, I twirled around my bedroom, dancing to music, singing in my round hairbrush. I imagined myself on a stage somewhere giving a sell out performance with my crush standing in the crowd admiring me.
Paired with my black, chunky heeled, knee high boots, I knew I was hot!

I was eager to debut my new ensemble at The Rocket, a local restaurant, where my mom and I would meet our little mother/daughter friend group.

When we arrived, I greeted my friends- none of who commented on my flaunty new outfit.  I must admit that I briefly questioned if I really was as cute as I thought I was since nobody said anything. But nonetheless I held my head high. Each time I looked a new direction, I dramatically turned my chin, making sure my freshly curled hair flung perfectly behind my shoulder. I’m sure I chimed in on our conversation a little more than my usual introvert allowed since I was really feeling myself. 

      After dinner, my friends and I giggled our way to the girl’s room together. My hips swinging in confident motion, I took pride in each step as my boots clicked on the ground. In the bathroom I admired myself in the mirror as my friends chattered from inside their stalls, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t disappointed in my appearance. I really liked what I saw. 

      We all exited the bathroom one after the other to head back to our table. While walking I noticed a lady seated at a table with her man pointing to my shoes muttering something but I couldn’t totally make out what she was saying over the noise in the room. I just knew she was complimenting me on my boots, though, so I smiled politely and said, “thank you.”

She looked puzzled as I continued to walk. Then looked at the guy with her. Glancing at me, her boyfriend began smiling, then exchanging eye contact with her as if to check her reaction. She mumbled something else to me that I still couldn’t understand. Naively keeping my confidence, I walked over to her table, smiling pleasantly. But I noticed that she wasn’t smiling.

       “You have toilet paper on your shoe!” She said. Much to my dismay I glared behind me at the foot and a half long tissue that had lingered persistently from the heel of my boot even after trekking across half the restaurant.

“Oh…” I muttered. Ugh. I had come to The Rocket in hopes of blasting everyone’s socks off, but instead the Rocket blasted me. Plodding back to the bathroom, I felt humiliated. My friends continued on to the table, leaving me to face my walk of shame half way back across the restaurant, alone. (Heifers!😐) WHY DIDN’T ANY OF MY FRIENDS TELL ME! I said to myself as I delivered the scorned TP to it’s final landing place.

For my exit strategy, I decided to just avoid eye contact with anyone and walk as quickly as possible back to my table where hopefully my embarrassing encumbrance would not be discussed. I sat down at the table quietly feeling defeated as if everyone at The Rocket was celebrating how ridiculous I looked. 

“You REALLY had toilet paper hanging?! Oh my gosh!! That is SOO embarrassing!” My 8 year old daughter just affirmed for me after I told her this story. And back then, it felt as big a deal as she just implied.

        As a child what I learned from little experiences like this was, “You’re not as lovely as everybody else. Don’t do anything out of your comfort zone because you will just end up getting humiliated and that’s the worst.”

Thinking of this little memory from an adult’s perspective, it reminds me how finding confidence and validation through the external never consistently works- not just for me, but for anyone.

A lot of times this reality isn’t nearly as lighthearted as my toilet paper story- in fact, a lot of times, it has made me feel like… actual fecal matter.  Rejected, hopelessly defective, or useless. Yucky!

Metaphorically speaking, I’ve put on countless “outfits” trying to prove myself to people, trying to convince them that I’m worth loving and having around. How many times have I continued on with a behavior thinking… if I just show them _______, they will see the good in me. If I just do _____ for them, they will appreciate my value. If I could just explain ______ to them, then they will understand and accept me. Nope. Just as soon as I perform my newest tactic to get people to confirm my value… I’m left feeling as invisible as cold air, misunderstood as COVID-19, and as worthless as the Arby’s coupons in my wallet that I’ll never use. 

 Sure, on the other hand, I’ve gotten temporary gratification from striving along the way, which is part of what makes it so hard to see reality for what it is.

I’ve used achievements such as single-mommin’-it through nursing school to hinge my confidence on. Look what I can do, y’all! Oh, wait. Now that’s just about everyone’s story.  Or you bet that on the rare occasion I accomplish my day’s to-do list ending with a healthy meal on the table for my family, thoughts of You may now crown me as Mom-of-the-Year gently prod at the back of my mind. That is, until I forget to make my kids brush their teeth that night and it also completely escapes me that my son needs to put on a pull-up. Then just like with the toilet paper, I am humbled as I wake to the Chattahoo-Pee River flooding the bed linens. Hip-hip-hooray. There’s nothing more fun than frantically yanking sheets off the bed at 3 am after I properly hydrated the kid during the day. NOT! 

I’m realizing that on this side of heaven, there will probably always be some figurative TP attaching itself to my shoes, reminding me I can’t put my faith in my efforts, beauty, or peoples’ esteem of me.

I am seeing that God will let me put on whatever outfits I want to wear to prove myself. He will even let me parade them in front of others to see how much applause I can get.

But I realize none of that is necessary when I let God be the King of my life. Because He carried out His thoughtfully designed plan to die a brutal death in my place and be raised from the dead just so I could have relationship with Him, is powerful evidence that I am valuable. In the words of my husband, “He suffered a death so horrific. I wouldn’t even do that to save myself.” He didn’t endure all of that for nothing!

Of course, when I am pursuing being awesome in others’ eyes to answer my value question, this carries no weight. Reflecting on God’s selfless sacrifice won’t applaud my ego. Yes, receiving God’s love means I lose my bragging rights- I don’t get to take credit for doing the good things, achieving the most, or being the most attractive. Yet the truth of His actions also says that when life’s TP shows its ugly head (mistakes, embarrassments, failures, etc), I need not worry that my value or reason to be loved is tarnished.

Before the earth’s foundations, before I ever had the chance to prove myself or mess anything up, God’s heart was set on me. I was the focus of God’s love. He knew that I couldn’t live up to His standards, nor all the standards I have documented in my mind. He chose to break through that barrier for me. Perhaps God never meant for my focus to stay put on my mile long toilet paper receipt and what all I’m not. Perhaps He intends for my gaze to stay fixed on His payment history, leaving the weight of guilt and shame to dissipate in the dust behind me. (Hebrews 12:1)

Seemingly elementary to the gospel filled women of south Georgia, but a foundational truth I have regretfully breezed past too quickly. It’s so important to take notice of- not only for the sake of my soul’s final destination, but also to know every single day that my worth isn’t hinged on opinions or my efforts at all- no reliance on self help. I never have to spend another minute asking anyone to understand me or affirm me. And it’s amazing how much I can cheerfully love others when I am not asking them to keep my ego afloat!

I’ve decided it’s too hard to rely on flawlessly proving myself. Join me in trusting God with your worth today.

Pray with me:

Lord, thank You for seeing worth in me and desiring me so much that You died for me to have relationship with You if I wanted to- and You would have done that had I been the only person on the earth. Help me rest in the confidence that my value is hinged on Your character and perfection, not mine. Help me not to be discouraged by the toilet paper in my life, but instead let it make me grateful for the heaven to come. Help me not to let my worth be defined by my mistakes or unique quirks; let it be defined by what You say. Fix my gaze from noticing what I am not, onto You and who I am because of You. Help me not to be afraid to be who You created me to be. (2 Tim 1:7) Indicate the voices I should minimize in my life, even if it is my own and help me to hear You more clearly. Help me to elevate Your opinion to the top of my mind above all other opinions. I accept the reality that I can never do anything to earn nor destroy my worth, and I personally receive Your forgiveness and love. Thank You and help me to live not by evidence of my toilet paper but from the beautiful evidence of what’s true! Amen.

Scripture I’m memorizing pertaining to this:

2 Tim 3:16-17 What scripture tells me about my worth and importance is true.

Ephesians 1:4 He chose me to be holy and blameless in His eyes before the world was ever made.

Ephesians 1:5 God pre planned to adopt me as His daughter because He loved me.

Titus 3:5 He chose to save me and it wasn’t dependent on how good I could perform.

Philippians 3:3 ..We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort..

Hebrews 12:1 ..let us throw off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Proverbs 29:25 Living for people’s approval is never safe, but trusting God is.

Isaiah 2:22 Stop trusting in mere humans,
    who have but a breath in their nostrils.
    Why hold them in esteem?

Philippians 2:6-8 Jesus Christ didn’t use His equality with God for His own advantage; instead He died a criminal’s death as an innocent man.