When I Had Nothing To Offer

God, even if nobody reads this but me and You,

know this is dedicated to You because You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…

​My little Honda’s driver seat held me as tears streamed down my face in the driveway. I had given up on trying to live the straight and narrow- it was too hard to keep. Now, I found myself as one of the documented 6,160 teen girls aged 15-17 pregnant in Georgia that year. (https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/report_pdf/us-teen-pregnancy-state-trends-2011_4.pdf).

Like many of my fellow statistics faced, my partner would be incapable of supporting me in a healthy way. As if the circumstance wasn’t already “exciting” enough, since I was attending my senior year of high school at a Christian facility, that meant my education was also jeopardized, as students are obviously not supposed to be sexually active and cannot attend class pregnant.

In order to try to find a way to graduate, I had to keep my pregnancy concealed for as long as possible before I would be kicked out of school completely. While my classmates were choosing between college majors and what color to paint their nails, I was in the middle of choosing life or death-literally and frantically searching for a way to tie the bow on my private school education.

I carried so many questions. How would I be able to care for a human being when I didn’t even know how to fry an egg? How would I graduate high school? I had made it nearly half way through my senior year! Dropping out just didn’t make sense. How could I have caused financial burden and stress to my family like this?! Unable to rely on my partner, how would I be able to provide financially for myself and a baby?

Given the circumstances I begrudgingly considered abortion and was encouraged by the people closest to me to carry through with that idea. I had been taught it was wrong but now that I was facing the mountain head on with no answers, any glimmer of a quick fix was enticing. Nobody in close proximity had a cookie cutter situation like mine to affirm that the puzzle pieces would fit together. Even if there was someone close by who had walked a similar path, I couldn’t trust the chance of opening up, giving people a good gossip story that could hinder my future any further if they told on me. If I chose abortion, I knew I would face guilt and forever be labeled “baby killer” by my religious friends. If I chose not to, I would just be “the girl that got pregnant” which isn’t that big a deal except the fact that my future promised me likely being a single parent or else have extremely difficult family dynamics, a baby to tend to by myself, without financial means, without an education to be able to some day provide financially, cause my parents continued stress mentally and financially, and any other way my life could possibly be changed.

​                Alone, all 97 pounds of me grappled with the reality of what trouble I had caused not only for myself but for my family knowing I would need their help.  In my car, I sobbed and prayed out loud,

“God, I know I haven’t lived right, but if You can still hear me.. Please let me know.”

 It was a short but sincere prayer, straight to the point, without trying to bargain with God through empty promises of future obedience or devout servanthood on my part. I knew I couldn’t give God anything He wanted nor did I have the capacity at that time to consider how I could honor Him before asking for anything. I needed tangible help. And hope. And I needed trustworthy company to help me carry my secret.

My tears dried and I sat for a few moments in silence. After devoting my life to breaking all the religious rules I was taught to keep, maybe God couldn’t hear me anymore? If He didn’t want to talk to me and decided to leave me to my consequences, I decided I understood.

The very next day I walked into the Department of Labor in hopes of finding a job with more hours. It was crowded that day. Everyone was sitting at round tables filling out the required forms. I had walked up to a table and was reaching to pull out a chair to sit down in when an older woman with white hair got my attention from several feet away. Bumping shoulders walking through the crowd to get specifically to me, she said, “Excuse me, ma’am,” stepping closer. “I believe God just laid on my heart to let you know that everything is going to be ok!”

Astonished, my eyes grew wide and my voice weakened as tears burned my eyes.

“Oh my God! I just found out I was pregnant and I have no idea how I am going to...” I frantically explained my situation to her as the other people at my table listened intently, witnessing the whole event. The woman listened briefly and then reached in her bag.

 “You are God’s sunshine and He loves you very much,” she said. She pulled out a little angel shaped trinket and placed it into my hand. Engraved on the trinket was “YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE.”

I absolutely could not believe it. Just the night before I empty handedly asked God to let me know if He could hear me. And here was my answer, so specific that I could not deny it was Him.

​                If I’m honest I was so intrigued I thought the lady may be an angel herself. I asked the woman her name and where she went to church but I guess in the face of excitement, that information did not stick to my memory that day. I wish it had, but what I do remember with all certainty is that from her answers I had concluded there was no possible way she could have known who I was, what I was going through, or that I desperately needed to hear that message from God directed specifically to me. Nor could she have known that I cried out to God in my car just the day prior.

(painting by Kyle Martin, 300 North Watercolor on Facebook 🙂)

I tucked that encounter deep in my heart that day. Pure shock struck at the reality that God heard me. Not only that, but He answered me. Not only that, but in a very specific way did He answer me. It was not by sermon to a crowd but distinctly personal, clearly seen and even observed by others that He was interacting with me.

What baffled me most was not even that the lady hand picked me out of a crowd to give that special word to. It was the fact I had done NOTHING to earn God speaking to me which seemed opposite of how I thought communication with the Almighty was supposed to go. There was no obedience, good works, or earning of any kind to suggest to God that I was worthy of His company. Yet, He heard. He answered.  Not according to my amazing well-kept character, but according to HIS.

 I am so glad to say that I have friends who can pride themselves in choosing life for their baby against all the odds without batting an eye to the abortion option. That is not my story.

I am grateful that I have friends who instantly became selfless, sacrificial mothers as soon as they learned of their pregnancy. That is not my story, either. Selfishly, I struggled.

As a girl unknowingly stuck in never ending spirals of codependent habits, I firmly believe that God empowered me back then to choose life against the odds of my natural decision making to please people and submit to their recommendations. Normally, I never would have deliberately made a choice that would cost others financially, physically, or emotionally; but for “some reason” this time I did.

After having this awesome experience and making the decision to keep my baby, I still faced opposition. There were no celebratory baby bump pictures on my FaceBook page.

I would come to find that the public school system would be unable to accept the college credits I had earned while attending private school, so I would not be able to graduate at the same time with everyone else in my class (an entirely different detailed story for another time).

I would come to the disappointing realization that my partner could not support me in a healthy way.

I would have humiliating conversations with the headmasters of my school expressing my situation and asking for help since the public school system could not support me.

As if I wasn’t already feeling down, a person in ministry would “congratulate” my case by unashamedly asking me outright to engage sexually with him since I was already pregnant. Talk about feeling like an object!

I would face a level of manipulation that I had never experienced before.

I witnessed my parents walk their own uncharted territory: they would grieve the loss of a future they had envisioned for me. They would strive to help me control everything that was so out of our control, bending over backwards to help me.

Night terrors of demonic sounding voices taunting me and laughing at me would wake me at night.

I felt incredibly disassociated from my friends as they were all preparing for college and excited for their future.

My story had other obstacles that aren’t suitable for public discussion that really put the cherry on top of my hot mess express.

But God! Even with all the negative parts of the story, I have much to be thankful for. I didn’t like being separated from my peers at first, but God used the isolation to grab my attention, fixing my gaze on Him instead of things that didn’t matter. He used the unknown future and hardship to nourish me. Who would have thought that could happen? I got to see that my family had my back, no matter what. Friends from school hosted a baby shower. I wasn’t forgotten after all! A family friend baked me a graduation cake knowing I didn’t get to walk at graduation. Despite mine and my family’s effort to make a way for me to graduate, God provided a way when my teachers at school would graciously vote that I could graduate using a homeschool curriculum arranged by the school counselor. Being a Christian school, they arranged that I receive counseling through the local pregnancy center as my Bible class. In that place every week, God put healthy people directly in my path to counsel me, bring discernment to manipulation, and speak truth in a loving way that helped me gain perspective. It turned out to be one of the most positively profound and influential experiences I have ever had in my life. God began to shift my limited perspective of the world and show me who He was outside of my experience with other people.

I am aware that compared to others, my experience could be considered “not so bad” since it has a happy ending. But that doesn’t minimize the fear, hopelessness, and heavy load my family and I felt. Nor does it minimize the magnitude of God’s listening ear, encouragement, and provision during that season.

And the part where the lady told me “God said everything is going to be ok..”

“Ok” is an understatement. God has again and again done more than I could ask or imagine… provided me an incredibly precious girl, a way to get my education, my parents’ selfless support, a husband that is my best friend and also legally “Daddy” to my daughter, a home… I could go on. However, I can say with full confidence that none of what God has done for me has been a transaction based on my good behavior. I can testify that when my character fails, I can rest in God’s. God is still trustworthy. Furthermore, I have found that it’s His love that tends to draw me in to obedience, not my own willpower. Sometimes I have to remind myself to go back to the basics:

 I am God’s sunshine and He loves me. I don’t have to earn anything- I just have to receive.

-Payton